There are times in our little autism world that sting more than others. Most days I have been celebrating all dylan is learning and doing. Other days what we lost hits me. I knew there would come a time that dylans little sister Callie would surpass him in milestones. I thought I was prepared for it. Callie has been ahead of the curve with most milestones. She smiled sooner than she should have, she held her head up basically out of the womb, she started babbling before I was ready. She has been an absolute joy to watch. But with that joy also comes a bit of sting for her brother. Now that I have a neuro-typical child I quickly realized how easily these milestones should come. For most babies they just happen. With dylan they were all a little delayed. But he would eventually hit them and I would sigh with a sense of relief. This has been happening for his whole life. I feel like I have been holding my breath his his whole life. I  am still holding my breath waiting for him to communicate. Just to tell me his belly hurts, or he is thirsty, or he needs to potty. Simple things that not many parents think twice about. So when callie started using her voice I was so proud of her. I honestly was not thinking about how dylan could not do these things. It wasnt until Callies 15month check up. I am not sure why this check up hit me so hard. I think it is because I can still remember sitting in the same doctors office with my boy at his 15month check up and I was riddled with worry. They suggested a second opinion at his 15month checkup. It began my journey with therapies, and doctors, and services and a life I just did not envision for my boy. When the doctor asked is callie saying up to 6 words? Is she walking independently, is she pointing to body parts, is she helping put on her clothes? I was able to say yes to every single question. I didnt have to hesistate and think about it. My sweet girl is doing exactly what she is “supposed” to be doing. However, my boy still has not reached 6 words, he only points to one body part so far, he just now learned to take his socks off. I let that hit me for a day. I let myself be sad about it for a day. Because, I am his mother and it is okay to be sad about this. But through this journey I am slowly realizing I cant stay in that grief. It will swallow me whole. I realize that these milestones are not who my sweet boy is. Dylan is teaching more about myself and life than all my years and experiences combined. He and his sister are my journey. They have brought so much meaning to my life. So much love and quickly are showing me what is important and what inst. So, I allow myself to be sad for that day but the next day I get to wake up and see my boys smiling face. I get to celebrate that he took his shoes and socks off, I get to celebrate that he is pointing again, clapping, and finding joy in the wind. These are all worthwhile. My journey is different than most. Hopefully dylan can teach my friends and family to celebrate these things as well. Hopefully they will see him for all that he can do and not what he cant. As a mother, isnt that all we want for any of our children that they are accepted for who they are? It starts with me. I am dylans voice and his biggest advocate. I will choose to find joy in all that he is.

dyl and cal UT